Dear Eugene Schieffelin,
I was floored to learn about your 1890 starling stunt in Central Park. Who knew a backyard birdwatcher could unleash such chaos? As an amateur ornithologist with the New York Genealogical and Biographical Society, you were quite the sensation. You also charmed every birding bash with the New York Zoological Society. But in 1877, as chairman of the American Acclimatization Society, you went full Hannibal Lecter. You released 60 feathered fiends in Central Park as non-native species for economic and cultural spice. Then 40 more in 1891, sparking their first nests in North America? That’s a plot twist even Clarice Starling couldn’t unravel.
Fast forward to today. Your starlings have taken over as if they’re competing for America’s most unwanted in our backyards. They’ve spread everywhere across the continental U.S., much like the Canadian wildfires. That reminds me, I need to check how songbirds fare through bad air quality. I hope it’s better than we do. I’m sure they’re not as whiny, though.
According to A November 2024 report from the U.S. Fish and Wildlife Service (FWS) an estimated 96 million birders in the United States. That’s more cash than New Hampshire’s entire economy in 2022. With the money left over, we could buy an island in the Pacific.
We could go to Oprah’s yard sale. Think of the possibilities!
ere comes the kicker, Gene. Can I call you Gene? There are 37% of birders in this country. Who in their right mind would spend that kind of cash just to watch Starlings? Not this bird nerd!
Look what else Starlings do to ruin our lives
Wreak havoc within the bird community
Starlings are the bullies of the bird world. They are especially problematic for other cavity-nesting buddies like bluebirds and red-bellied woodpeckers. Just the thought of their antics makes my blood pressure skyrocket!
They push eggs from nest boxes and destroy the nests of other species. They battle fiercely for the best nesting spots, often giving native birds no room for their own homes. Somebody call Re/Max, please!
Damage to Crops and Livestock
Starlings really have a knack for ruining a farmer’s day (Or year), especially when it comes to fruits like apples, blueberries, and cherries. It’s as if they hold a secret meeting to declare open bar night at Beak n Skiff Orchard. By the way, they have excellent vodka for those who need a break from nasty birds.
But wait, it gets better. They’re also grain fanatics, munching through livestock feed like there’s no tomorrow. I can hear the cows now, mooing at the top of their lungs until, well, the cows come home. These little menaces have earned their reputation as the gluttons of the agricultural realm. They munch on everything from grains to feed. That’s as much as the cost of a steak at Scotch n Sirloin.
When massive flocks of starlings hang out in trees, with all that weight, branches snap like pretzel sticks. Their droppings can kill trees faster than a tax collector at a Willie Nelson concert.
Starlings can move in and make themselves at home in infrastructure like buildings and bridges. And let’s not forget their talent for clogging gutters and drainpipes. It can lead to water damage that’s harder to fix than Ben and J.Lo’s marriage(s).
Threats to humans and animals
Just what we need, feathery little disease carriers flying around. Who wouldn’t want a dose of Salmonella or a side of lung infections with their morning coffee? Forget about the delightful surprises in their droppings, packed with bacteria, fungi, and parasites. Somebody call the CDC!
YES, you’ve left quite a legacy, Mr. Schieffelin. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if you could return to Earth grandly? You would see how you’ve changed our birding world. To all my birding friends, next time you see a starling, think of Eugene Schieffelin, hope that a starling poops on his grave.
Here’s an idea: take a 30-minute walk with your Merlin. Bring a pair of binoculars. Find some birds you love to watch and forget about the nasty ones.
Got an entertaining tale about the European Starling? Share your story in the comments!
